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Monday, October 8th, 2001
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4:40 pm - The End.
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After reading Alia's last entry, I've also decided to stop writing... it's not like I have nothing to say, but more like I have nothing to broadcast on the internet... Some things I like keeping to myself... but in order to not forget them I'll write them in an actual diary... It's been fun and I'm pretty sure nobody really reads this anyways but..... bye!
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2001
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5:00 pm - i got my head in the clouds..................................
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I've been writing a lot in my other journal because I don't go online very much anymore. I guess that's a good thing cuz it really sucks you in. Life's alright... depressing half the time and the other half is somewhat satisfying. School's alright. I go from noon to five thirty. Right now I'm reading a book called Go Ask Alice and it's an actual diary and I like it very much..... I like reading books about fucked-up people.... I like reading books that are based on or are actually events. I don't know what book I want to read next because I'm almost done with this one but I'll find out when it gets to that point.
I think I'm going to graduate early but I really have to work on it. It's going to be hard since already I've gotten kind of in the "slacker" lifestyle but for aces I'm doing great. I talk to Kira a lot and we have a humorous hateful relationship. Now that she's not involved in my life I like her a lot more and can actually stand talking to her and being around her. She's still a bitch though. :)
Guys are assholes.
Mom's are a pain in the ass. I'm grounded for being late home last night which I guess I deserve because I'm always late but I think they need to cut me some slack. I'm a good daughter.. I'm home enough to spend a sufficient amount of time with my mom, I'm doing good in school.... GREAT in school compared to how I was doing and it just hurts that they still don't trust me hardly at all. I love my mom to death and she's like my best friend, but sometimes she can really be unreasonable. Most of the time it doesn't even seem like she listens to me. I don't know why I'm complaining because I have it better than a lot of people but I don't know. I'm not stupid, and I know how much freedom I deserve I guess you could say. That's why I want to pay for my own emancipation and move out at 17----- because my parents are always going to think of me as their little girl.... they won't let me grow up. I think I'll call alia today because I haven't seen her in a while. She's probably already doing something with Becky or sleeping but I'll try anyways... Maybe I'll call Paul.. I need to talk to that boy. Brian's making me a necklace which I didn't think he would because he thought I was mad at him even though I should have been so I dont' know. I'm happy about that though because I've never owned a hemp necklace before and he makes them. Well Okay I guess that's enough for now...... I have to print this whole damn journal out one of these days so I can save it forever. Okay well have a nice day mr. journal. Goodbye.
current mood:  anxious
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2001
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11:19 am - :( life sucks
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well after warped tour i went to lake chelan with my parents, dustin, david, paul and eric. I didn't bring anybody because jamie and rachel already had plans to go camping and i don't really hang out with any other girls that aren't like, fucked up in the head or have babies. and I didn't want to bring john cuz well i didn't want to bring john, and i didn't want to have jordan meet me in chelan because that'd be wierd with paul being there. I don't know. Alia was already in cali and jessica's mom would never let her go, so since i'm friends with dustin's friends i decided to not bring anybody and let him bring people. It sucked most of the time. We were only there for 3 nights and then we came home and partied. We cleaned up and my parents didn't know except for the stupid neighbor bitch (bryan grimsley's mom) was complaining about cigarette butts in her back yard and she said there were a bunch of drunk people over. I guess the cigarettes burnt holes in her precious trampoline which is positioned just right so that her nosy little daughter and her friends can peek in our windows. it was all because Brian Rowe PURPOSELY threw every cigarette he smoked into the neighbors yard after we told him not to. What an asshole, I never liked Brian. I've always been so nice to him all the time and he used to be nice I guess but he has no respect. If I tried to pull any shit like that at his house he'd get hella pissed. And he'd always try to get Paul to ditch me and other fucked up shit. Anyways, one of the nights after my parents got back and paul was still staying the night over here he came with me so i coiuld turn in film to be developed and to pick up some papa johns. We get in an argument on the way there and it lasts until we get back about how he wants to date older women. That pissed me off because I'm younger and I think I'm mature for my age so I asked him why and he said "what's the point of dating when your younger it's not going to mean anything" and i said you sound like alia. and he gets all pissed off or something because he doesnt' want to sound like alia, and he says , "well you sound like a fucking hoe" oh I almost kicked him out of the car right there. :: hold on gotta take tylenol :: so that night I didn't NOT want to hang out with Paul so i called steve-o up and we got some 40's and got hella drunk and hacky sacked. the day after that I think I'm sick and I have a headache and a sore throat. The next day I'm throwing up with a temperature of 104.5. Right now I'm on the 5th day of my sickness and I can actually eat a little bit and I can stand the heat of the shower long enough to wash my hair. IT's so awful. I went to the doctor where they swabbed my throat and drew my blood (ick) and prescribed me some nausea pills which i don't think help. I threw up once outside of the doctor's building waiting that extra 20 minutes i wasn't supposed to, and twice in her office. I also fell asleep twice waiting for her in her office because she took so fucking long to do anything... and trust me, feeling the way i do, it's not easy to fall asleep... especially on those platform inspection bed thingies they have and when I'm freezing cold because of my fever. well I have to go... maybe i'll write more later.... bye oh yeah and
current mood:  sick
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
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3:31 pm - not quite anonymous
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there's this girl who used to be friends with my friend heather who thinks she's sneaky or some shit and has been commenting on my journal saying I'm a skank. IN WHAT FUCKING WAY AM I A SKANK?? drop this bullshit "anonymous" act and tell me if I'm wrong about what I said. Maybe you're just afraid to admit that it's true and you ARE jealous of heather and you do pathalogically lie. At least I have some inside information to back up what I said about you but you know NOTHING about me --- so you need to back off. You think I'm the only one who thinks that about you? GROW UP
current mood:  amused
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
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3:24 pm - some people have no respect.
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SURVEY~stolen from alia
Full name: Sarah Jean Painter
Gender: F
Born: 11/18/84.
Lives in: Mukilteo
Starsign: Scorpio
School: ACES HS
Pets: 2 cats 1 dog and a couple lizards
Where are you from?: wa
What color are your eyes?: blueish
Hair color: light brown
Piercing/tattoos: nope
Marital status: single
1. Are you a Virgin?: no
2. Are you a right or a lefty or an ambidextrous?: righty
3. What are your personality traits?: idunno
4. What do you like most about yourself?: my artwork
5. Pick a song that describes yourself: in the mood i'm in right now? slipknot-surfacing
6. What's your name backwards: haraS
7. What does your name mean?: princess
8. Do you believe in yourself?: sure
9. Do you have an accent?: everyone does
10. Do you believe in God?: no
11. Do you go to church?: no
12. Can you swim?: yeah but i don't like to
13. Do you drink?: yes
14. Do you do drugs?: yes
15. Do you smoke?: yes
16. Do you bite your nails?: yes
17. Are you addicted to the Internet?: hell no
18. How many times do you check your e-mail per day?: maybe once now that i'm out of school
19. Do you ever have AIM conversations?: no
20. Do you have ICQ?: no
21. How long can you hold your breath?: ....
22. Nosehairs (on you): um
23. Nosehairs (on your boy/girlfriend or potential other) long or short?: ????
24. What hobbies do you have?: i love music and art and shit like that, hacking's fun
25. What kind of Deodorant do you use?: it's a secret
25. Do you think you're attractive?: not really
26. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: no
27. What do you wear to bed?: pajamas
28. One Pillow or 2?: 2
30. When is your bedtime?: depends
30. What do you think about before you go to sleep?: wierd shit
31. First thought in the morning: go back to sleep
32. What's under your bed?: nothing
33. Are you an optimist or pessimist?: depends
34. Better to cry or laugh?: i don't know
35. Ever been in love?: never
36. Right now, who do you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with?: nobody
37. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?: i don't want to get married
38. When you notice somebody of the opposite sex what do you notice first?: smile
39. Guys- If a girl ever asked you for the shirt on your back, would you give it to her?:
40. Girls- ...?: what??
41. Guys, would you ever ask a random girl for her shirt?:
42. Do you think men and women can ever just be friends without wanting each other?: yeah
43. Who's better, Boys or Girls?: oh lord...
44. What's your "type"?: i like mysterious guys i guess, thoughtful quiet type... good sense of humor, sarcasm, artistic
45. Internet Boyfriends and Girlfriends-- stupid or cool?: lame
46. Are you a player?: hahaha
47. Did you ever cry over someone of the opposite sex?: yeah..
48. Did you ever have a crush on a cartoon character?: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
49. Are you a good friend?: i hope
50. What's your biggest fear?: being alone, death, heights, trains
51. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?: most of the time
52. Do you make fun of peoples?: if they deserve it... not often though
53. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?: that's not something I want to put on the internet thank you very much
54. What is the smartest thing you have ever done?: i don't know
55. Do you eat chicken fingers with a fork?: i don't eat chicken fingers
56. How do you eat an Oreo?: w/ milk
57. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?: yeah
58. Is the glass half empty of half full?: who cares for the love of god...
59. Which came first-The chicken or the egg?: dunno
60. What color is your toothbrush?: clear
61. What color is your toothpaste?: white
62. What's on your walls in your room?: posters and pictures
63. What is on your ceiling?: hanging stars
64. Have you ever been attacked by a big dog?: no
65. Words/Phrases you overuse: geez louise
66. Do you get along with your parents?: my mom
67. Craziest/Silliest person you know: i don't know
68. What sucks about school?: work
69. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you: i stole this
70. Do you like to swim?: no way
71. Do you watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer?: no
72. Do you sing in the shower?: no
73. How do you want to die?: natural death... while sleeping i suppose
74. Would you ever go bungy-jumping?: noooooo
75. Do you like dressing up?: no, it's unnecessary and uncomfortable
76. Do you enjoy reading?: yeah
77. Do you watch TGIF?: i don't watch tv
78. What movie do you really want to see?: i don't know what's playing right now
79. What is your biggest wish?: if i tell you it won't come true
80. Would you ever have cosmetic surgery?: only if it were for medical reasons.
81. Do you like to dance?: no
82. What do you think of people who drink?: i'm not going to look down on anyone for drinking or doing drugs..
83. What do you think about people who do drugs?: same.
84. What do you think of people who smoke?: i smoke, and i think anyone who is straightedge or whatever and looks down on people for it is naive and immature....
85. Do you shun nudity?: yes
87. Do you watch Happy Days?: I DON'T WATCH TV
88. Do you organize your CD's?: no
89. Do you read the newspaper?: no, it's depressing
92. Do you sneeze a lot?: no
93. Are you a vegetarian?: oh god no
95. What was the last CD you got?: sublime acoustic
96. Who do you trust the most?: i don't really trust anybody
97. What color is your computer desk?: Brown
98. Do you have a pager?: no
99. Do you have a lava lamp?: yeah
100. What's on your mouse pad?: "beauty jungle.com" advertisement
101. Worst feeling in the World?: lonliness
102. Best feeling in the World?: i don't know
103. Favorite thing to do on a weekend?: party i guess, hang out with friends
104. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: oh god i have no idea
105. Do you get motion sickness?: i don't think i do
106. What do you drive?: lincoln towncar haha i love it
109. Have you ever been skinny dipping?: no
110. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?: ....
111. Most humiliating moment: i don't know
112. Have you ever called a 900 number?: i don't think i have
113. Which movies have you cried at?: i don't know all of them.. a lot.. i'm a wuss
114. Summer memory: WAPATO POPATO
115. Idea for a perfect date?: i don't know
116. Future son names: i don't know
117. Future daughter names: " "
118. What is your favorite brand of gum?: bubblicious
119. Which is your favorite Mentos commercial?: I DO NOT WATCH TV!!!!!!
120. What's your favorite color to paint your nails?: i don't paint my nails really.. but if i do... i don't know, clear shinyish
121. Which do you prefer cool ranch or nacho cheese Doritos?: cool ranch
122. What's your favorite flavor of Snapple?: it was green tea until they stopped selling it the bastards so now i guess its raspberry or peach
123. Who is your favorite character on Seinfeld?: sif you ask me about tv one more time ...........
124. Which one, Coke or Pepsi?: coke
125. Which pez is your favorite?: i don't like pez
126. What's your favorite room in the house?: family room
127. Which is your favorite Arnold movie?: total recall
128. What is your favorite store?: dunno
129. What is your favorite Jell-O flavor?: dunno
130. Which do you prefer mud wrestling or Jell-O wrestling?: what the hell are you talking about
131. What's the best number in the world?: 8
132. Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
133. Favorite color Bra?: red
134. Favorite Salad Dressing: italian
135. Favorite Shampoo: dunno
136. Favorite movies: dunno
137. Favorite kind of music: anything but country
139. Favorite Food: strawberries
140. Favorite town to be in?: i've never really been anywhere
141. Favorite ice cream?: strawberry
142. Favorite Soda: i don't know
143. ADIDAS, NIKE, or REEBOK: adidas
144. Favorite cologne or perfume?: raspberry body mist, chrome
145. Favorite song?: i don't know
146. Favorite school subject?: photography
147. Least favorite school subject: history
148. Favorite sport to watch: hackysack
149. Favorite holiday: Christmas.
150. What do you look for in the opposite sex?: wasn't i already asked this question or something just like it
151. Would you rather go to Disneyworld or Disneyland?: neither
152. What is your favorite color?: blue
153. Favorite cartoon hero?: spaceghost
154. Favorite Actors?: dunno
Favorite Actresses?: dunno
156. Pro-life or Pro-choice?: CHOICE 'bush sucks'
157. Do you prefer pools or ocean?: pools
158. Pencil or pen?: Pen
159. Who's the best looking person you know of same sex?: i dunno
160. Who's the hottest Disney movie guy?: prince charming
161. Gold or silver?: Silver
162. Would you rather be short or tall?: Short.
163. Which Winnie the Pooh character is your fav? i hate winnie the pooh
164. What's your favorite Nintendo game?: gran turismo i guess
165. Who is the least attractive person you know?: dunno
167. Do you like Marilyn Manson?: no
168. Favorite stations?: kisw 99.9
169. MTV or VH1?: mtv
170. What are your favorite musician, bands or band?: nobody likes my music so nevermind
171. Best places to hang out?: anywhere but home
172. Do you prefer to date people old or younger then you?: older
173. Favorite TV show?:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
174. Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads?: dunno
175. Glasses or Contacts?: neither.
176. What's the weirdest first name you've ever heard of?: i don't know
177. Brandy or Monica?: yuck
178. Favorite game?: hAckEy sAck
179. Favorite drink?: shirley temples
180. Favorite sound?: Music
181. Favourite smell?: flowers
182. Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting: deadly
183. Chocolate or Vanilla cake: vanilla
184. Thunderstorms cool or scary: cool i guess
186. If I could shave one thing into your hair what would it be?: i would never ever do that
187. If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be?: dark purple
188. If you could have a tattoo what would you get and where would you get it?: a heart on my hip
189. If you could turn into an animal real or imaginary, what would you be?: a cat
190. If you could meet one person in the world who would it be, Living and nonliving?: einstein.
191. If You were a dog what would your name be?: snippy
192. If you could be anything in a kitchen what would you be?: alcohol cabinet
193. If you could be one gardening tool what would you be?: i don't know
194. If you could be a shoe, what kind of shoe would you be?: a slipper
195. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: gray
196. If you could have any occupation when you get older, what would it be?: photographer
201. If you were to kill someone, which method would you choose?: i don't think i could ever kill anybody
202. If you could do anything to the person you hate the most, what would you do?: beat their face in so they're ugly for the rest of their lives
203. Think of the person you love most in the entire world. Thinking of them? OK, now that person will die a horrible death... would you have sex with your mother or father if it would save them? okay that's fucking sick
206. You are a virgin. You're going to die in one hour. That's right! You have ONE HOUR TO LIVE!!! So...you lose your virginity as fast as you can? Or you call all your close friends and relatives to say goodbye?: what?
207. Worst way to die: murder
208. Your favorite STD and why?: hahahahaha no
209. Does gay/lesbian sex turn you on?: ewww
210. What would your porn name be?: shaniqua haha
214. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being I may have sex sometime in my life; maybe when I'm like 80, and 10 being whips, chains, and automobiles with my dog and my gramma in the back seat of my grandpa's car. Where are you kinkiness-wise?: 7 maybe? I don't know
216. Would you have sex on your kitchen counter? Why or why not?: probably not... that's where my kitty's eat
218. The person I'd like to have sex with the most is: none of your business
219. If you were gay/lesbian, then would you have straight sex if someone paid you $1,000?: dunno
220. Premarital sex?: why not
current mood:  angry
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, June 15th, 2001
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11:43 am - ....................................................................................................
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I was thinking uhm...maybe...friday, before the party at courtneys, would you
like to go have dinner and a movie with me...as a date? We could maybe go eat at
the outback and see tomb raider...was just curious. I had a blast hacking with
you today, and when i was at your place that sweet picture of you and I on your
computer desktop just...i dunno....really made me want to ask that girl out =)
btw ill send you that chapter when its done, still working some things out with
it.
--john
current mood: sadder
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(comment on this)
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11:41 am - what the hell am i supposed to do
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hey sarah,
I didnt know if you got my last mail, because sometimes this thing is broken and
i have no idea why. Anyway, just wanted to know how ya been, haven't talked to
ya in awhile. I've been workin on things for college and graduation, and i
finally got scheduled for my classes next year. They are english 105, psychology
120, and music 126. I also need to take some education and communication
classes, but thats next semester. Hey, I was just wondering...we've been hanging
out a lot lately, and Ive had SO much fun doing stuff with you. I was kinda
wondering if maybe sometime, if you wanted to, maybe we could try going to a
movie or something as a date...
I just think that after being able to think about things for awhile, Im a pretty
different person now and I have a different outlook on a lot of stuff. Im almost
positive it'd be different this time around. =)
Anyway, Ill have my pager and stuff. Give me a call if you get the chance,
--john
current mood:  sad
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
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2:31 pm - my foot is numb and it's starting to tingle
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Next year I'm gonna kick ass in novanet and blow everybody's mind MWAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I'm going to do nightschool but it depends on how early I can come in. I think regular school would be cool but everyone cool is doing nightschool next year and it'll be gay for me. Plus I can get way more credits in nightschool and graduate way early. I don't know how I'm going to get that english credit though because they won't let me do it on the computer. Well anyways, dustin's out of school and gets to do fun stuff and I'm stuck here. Course he doesn't have a car so he's kinda screwed but pretty soon the z will be fixed and he won't have to worry about it. I was thinking about how when I graduate I'll be 17 and I kinda want to get emancipated so I can move out early because my parents are way too overprotective. They don't let me do anything if they know guys are going to be there.. i swear to god they think i'm a slut or something. I hung out with john for the first time after him writing me all those emails about how he wants to get back together, so that was wierd. His car got hit and dented while he was at school and now there's a problem with the carberator or something but the problem with it wasn't caused by the hit. Courtney's throwing a graduation party on friday so that should be fun except for marin's going to be there... errr she's dumb. Well anyways, I guess I'd better go because I have nothing else to say! BYEBYE
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 8th, 2001
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9:14 am - SLUGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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8:56 am - another one of alia's surveys
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1. Who was the last person you yelled at?: Dustin to get out of bed
2. Who was the last person you kissed?: that's a secret
3. What was the last memorable book you read?: I don't know... hmmm little girl lost
4. When did you last dance?: i don't dance :)
5. Whats the last thing you want to hear from your parents?: you're grounded
6. When did you last go for a walk in the park?: Tuesday.
7. When did you last do you ironing?: Today
8. When was the last time you smiled all day?: yesterday
9. What color of socks do you normally wear?: white
10. Did you ever attend a private school?: no
11. Do you like stuffed animals?: i guess
12. Have you ever smashed pumpkins?: no
13. Do you read labels when shopping for food?: no
14. Can you quote Shakespeare?: a little
15. Do you like playing baseball?: once in a long
while
16. Are you a neat freak?: i wish
17. What is the worst injury you have ever given someone?: Hmm, I don't think I've ever really
Injured somebody badly
18. Do you ever eat lemons plain? no
19. Have you ever fired a gun?: no
20. Do you own any knee-high boots?: no
21. Are you attached to extreme people?: no
22. Do you like swimming in lakes?: depends on the lake
23. Have you ever streaked at a football game or any other public event?: of course not
24. What is you favorite gemstone?: ruby
25. Have you gone on many blind dates?: no.
26. Has someone done something extra nice for you?: yeah
27. Did you have a crush on any of your teachers?: no
28. Have you ever been lost in a bad part of a city?: no
29. Would you rather have a mint or fruit flavored gum?: fruit!
30. Do you have road rage?: yeah, only when people are morons and don't know how to drive though
31. Have you ever eaten grass?: what?
32. Do you ever eat food right out of cans or jars?: yep
33. Has your mind ever gone blank? yep
34. Have you ever met anyone interesting at the laundry mat?: no
35. Do you have recurring dreams?: I have before 36. Are you kind?: i hope so
37. Would you give a needy person the shirt off your back?: no cuz then i'd be walking around topless
38. Do you have any beanie babies?: no
39. Would you rather be hot or cold?: hot
40. Is the glass half full, or empty?: full
41.Do you exercise or work regularly?: hell no
42. Could you kill if your life was threatened?: probably not
current mood:  giggly
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 7th, 2001
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9:19 am - the longest month of the school year
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Ugh.. every minute goes slower than the last. It feels like I'll NEVER be out of school. It's a beautiful day out and I'm sitting staring at a screen because of school. Dammit. I just wanna get out of here and maybe actually get a tan for once and have fun. But even without school I still have to stress out about shit. Like John, who tells me all the time now that he wants to get back together.. but I don't. He thinks I do, and I don't want to hurt him. So I've been putting off telling him for as long as I can. I think I'll just tell him I need more time... to get that feeling back if it does come back... I hope he won't act wierd around me after he realizes that we're probably not going to get back together. I mean, he's cool and all, but right now I don't want a boyfriend, and I don't like him that way anyways. We've only been apart for a few weeks, and already he wants to jump in another relationship, even though we've only hung out a few times since the breakup. I need more time for this, the initial breakup really didn't even sink in yet, and that's probably because I don't let things sink in anymore.
Anyways, here's some good news.. I found my backpack and I learned how to copy cds that have copyright protection on them so that's good. I burned Fiona Apple - Tidal, and Sneaker Pimps - Becoming X. I also burned radiohead - the bends, but I made the mistake of writing the title of the cd on it in pen, instead of marker, and it went all the way through and scratched it in, backwards on the other side of the cd. Oops.
Well anyways, I should go... class is almost out. Bubye. -sarah-
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
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10:05 am - ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
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10:05 am - Another Email from John:
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10:02 am - Email from John:
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hi sarah,
i want to say im sorry if i've seemed offish...or cold or confused or any of
the above....i dont want you to get the impression that im mad at you like you
asked today. i WAS mad today because of the things kira said about you, and the
way they are just plain UNTRUE and how she is completely BLIND to the fact that
I was in the room...and how she should have noticed that HEY....NEWSFLASH....I
still care about you...as much if not MORE now than before...and that those
things could hurt me just as badly. SHES the one whos evil, because true evil is
not caring, and having blinders on to the way that the things you say affect
people. That is her problem, and it will all catch up with her one day.
Everything people do catches up with them, theres no avoiding that. Never
believe anything people say badly about you, and NEVER let it affect the way you
look on yourself. Ever. You are a VERY kind, most certainly un-evil person who
has a very generous heart.
Sorry about seeming wierd and stuff, its just wierd to be around you...and
drop you off, and tuck you in and not be able to kiss you goodnight. But I just
want to say now that I've been really having fun around you...and thats raised
my spirits a little. If people like dustin and kira, who I know do not care for
eachother as we do, somehow find their way back together....I at least know the
chance is there for us too. I know I caused you a lot of unneeded stress when we
we're together, in the way I acted around you and your friends when drugs or
alcohol was involved. That made you feel guilty, as you couldnt do the things
you wanted without me feeling bad. If that had anything to do with it, I just
want to say for the record that I'm over that now. If we happened to get back
together sometime, it wouldn't happen again. And please don't think that because
I didn't come with you guys today that that isnt something I want to do, because
it is. Don't ever think of inviting m!
e to smoke a bowl with you guys....and then stop and not do it because you think
I wouldnt want to...cause it would be untrue =(.
You should have SEEN how close I was to just turning around and coming right
back cause I wanted to be around you SO bad....and I wanted to be included SO
bad....and I FULLY regret not staying with you guys. It was my fault, but I hope
that doesn't ruin my chances at being invited again.
Another thing that made me happy today was I realized that you didn't take down
my pictures in your room....like I was almost sure you would. I just KNOW that
now that I'm 18...and that its a different situation with me regarding
drugs...and through the strength of some of my friends I've found a little of
the self-confidence that I used to have a couple years back....that if we we're
to maybe give us a try again that it would be amazingly different. I just think
I know you better now than I did...and just talking to you as a friend has had a
lot to do with that. FYI--your still the hottest girl I know. =)
--John
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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10:58 am - If I could even feel like shit
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10:25 am - EMAIL FROM JOHN
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Dear Sarah,
Theres a lot of stuff I wanted to say, especially yesterday when we we're
out on the deck at ryans. But, as usuall as it is with me, I just couldn't seem
to do it. I wanted to tell you how I've enjoyed the past couple weeks, and the
times I've been able to see you. These weeks apart have given me lot of time to
think bout a lot of different things. Some of the time I've been thinking about
me, and the things that matter to me....my personality and the things that make
me who I am. I guess after all the nights playing guitar on ryans deck by myself
after midnight...and the times I;ve spent at the beach writing in my notebook,
I've come out of it with a way better Idea of who I really am. A lot of the time
I spent thinking about you, and the things you like and believe in, and what
makess you who you are. The same thing holds true...I think I have come out of
it with a much better Idea of who you are. Also in the last couple weeks, I've
changed in a variety of ways. Im 18!
now, so all the things which caused stres related to my parents in my life
aren't there anymore. I'm open with smoking cigarettes again, and I smoke weed
now and then. ne of my friends made the comment "wow...its like having the old
john back again".
Another thing I wanted to say has been lately, I've been always hoping you'd
call or page...or just show up at ryans when I was there. Its wierd, its the
same feeling I got when I was over at travs almost a year ago, and I hoped he'd
invite you over so I got to see you. And I dont know...because I ususally never
trust my intuition on anything...but its like the past couple times I've talked
to you on the phone....or hung out with you...especially last night when we went
driving....I kinda feel that feeling I got when we were over at trav's goofing
around with those inflatable chairs. I might be totally wrong, so I just had to
ask, if these times you've hung out around me you've felt a little of the same
thing?
Im a different person now, more like I was when I first met travis with a few
key differences. Now I smoke weed, and cigarettes again, and am an independent
person who doesn't have to worry about his parents anymore. I guess I just had
to ask you if in these times we've hung out, you've felt anything similar to how
it was before. I only ask because I have...and I get the same vibe from you as I
did at travs but now...as with then I can't be sure. What it means doesn't
matter at this point....we can always talk about that...I was just wondering if
maybe you we're feeling a little of the same thing.
If not its no big deal, nothing will change. You always will have me as a
friend. I was just curious, because its wierd how now that I know you better as
a friend the "infltable chair" feeling is a little stronger than it was.
*feels the same way he did when he first said "hi" to you on AIM*
=)
---John
current mood: worried
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| Friday, June 1st, 2001
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9:08 am - dazed and confused
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Well I went to John's birthday party and it was kinda of wierd between me and him... I was acting normal I think, but he was acting kind of different. Maybe it's just cuz we haven't hung out for a while. Anyways, went camping in Lake Chelan with Dustin, Kira, Sam, Paul and Fahdi (probably spelled that wrong but oh well). It was pretty fun except for the first night we had to sleep in the car and Fahdi got sick and it was crumby weather. It was cloudy the whole time, except for when we first got there, and then we weren't out in the sun. Instead, we were looking for a place to camp out. Yesterday I was going to go hang out with Paul and then Dustin wanted to go and that was cool, but then Dustin wanted Sam to go, so he called him on Ryan's cell phone cuz he wasn't home yet, and Sam wanted us to wait for him to come home and then feed his lizards and then change and all this crap and it was already 6:45 so I was pissed because it would have taken forever to finally go, and then Sam would want to go home early to go to bed. So we wait for him to get home and THEN he decides that he doesn't want to go because he has to go to bed early and I wanted to stay out later.. and because he was pissed off that I was mad that he was making us late and basically messing up my plans. So whatever, he can be mad at me, it's not my problem. I would have loved for him to be there, but it was already late, and a school night, so it'd leave us hardly any time to hang out and there really would have been no point to us going. I played Smash Brothers with Paul and I suck really bad... it was pitiful. WELL anyways, more Friday school crap... : While we were in Chelan we saw Jason Rucker there and he told us about this camp spot up this long dirt road, and that's where we ended camping cuz it was this big ass party both nights with probably like, 150 people or something like that. Then Jessica (who's obsessed with Paul) came all the way down to Chelan with Lani, Jeff, and Brian just to be there for like, 15 minutes at the actual party and then left cuz she had to work at noon the next day. I think that was pretty ridiculous but I guess it just shows how much she likes him, but Paul doesn't seem to like her in that way.... I don't know, she just doesn't seem like his type to me. Maybe she doesn't even like him like that and me and Paul are imagining things but it really seems like it. Like last night she invited him to dinner and also while he was on the phone with me I heard her ask who it is and when she found out who it was she seemed pretty jealous. Even though I don't think she knows that Paul and I went out before. She's really nice though and so is Lani. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll actually graduate early or not because I've been slacking off a lot. I really need to start doing my psychology work but I can't find my backpack and that's a big problem. Plus all my old artwork was in there and I want it back. It's probably at my house somewhere and I just haven't looked hard enough. Alia told me about Jessica and how her parents want to send her to rehab and all this business and I was shocked. I guess she had all these different pills and drugs hidden in her room and her mom found it. I think it's messed up that her mom just straight up looked through her shit without asking or caring, but I'm kinda glad she did in a way because I don't want Jessica to get into really heavy drugs. It's wierd though because the way Alia was saying it, it sounded really serious, but now that I think about it, they were probably just a bunch of weak prescription pills that probably get you just a little high, if high at all. And they probably also wouldn't have many negative effects on her body like coc and acid and shit like that would. Alia said that Jess had Ectasy in her room but I'm not sure about that because the last time I talked to Jess, which was probably about 3 weeks ago, she hadn't done any drugs except for smoked weed and taken a few pills before. And I know she was telling the truth because she was telling me that she was going to do acid for her first time and that she was going to take 4 hits and she was asking me questions about it. I told her that if she was going to do a "psychedelic" drug that shrooms would be better because they're natural and don't have a bunch of chemicals that would fuck with her head and her spine and all that. I also told her that for her first time not to take 4 hits... just 2. I told her to save the other 2 for another time or sell them because I didn't want her to get too fucked up. I wouldn't take four hits of acid... I don't know who she's hanging out with but she's still my little cousin.. I mean, she's in 8th grade and she's hanging out with all these older people I guess and I don't think they know what they're doing to her. She doesn't have the tolerance for drugs that they have and she could end up getting hurt really easily. The pills she probably has in her room are things like vicatin and rittlin and anti-depressants and muscle relaxers. Nothing really serious, and she probably only takes a couple at a time ON OCCASION to get a little fucked up. Even if she needed rehab, I don't think it'd help her. Actually, I know it wouldn't help her. She's where I was like a year and a half ago. I just didn't give a fuck what I was doing... I kept drugs to a minimal just because my big brother protected me from shit like that, but I've popped pills before; caffeine pills, nodoze, aderol, muscle relaxers, alia gave me a couple anti depressants once, and stuff like that. I smoked a LOT of weed.. and I'd be happier to hear Jessica was just smoking weed instead of just drinking. Course, she does both, but I doubt very often from hearing about how strict Angie is. My opinion on the whole thing is so what, she has a stash, big deal. That tells you nothing about how much she takes of each at one time, and how often she takes them. She needs a therapist at most. Rehab would just make her feel like shit, depress her.... probably to the point of trying suicide again, and push her and her parents away from each other. I need to talk to her. Another thing that'd be good for her I think would be if she moved in with her dad. That way I could hang out with her, cuz I love her and she's a sweetheart, and be able to keep an eye on her. I smoke weed, and occasionally I drink. My friends do drugs, not many drugs though, and none of my friends are pill-poppers. I think she just got messed up with the wrong crowd who are probably cool and nice, but don't watch out for themselves, OR jessica. I don't doubt that Jessica would have a blast here, and then she'd have me and alia to talk to when she's depressed. I think when she moves down here I'll get a pager just so that she can page me whenever she needs me. A big part of her changing the way rehab wants to change her is her friends. No matter what you try, if you're constantly sober and your friends are constantly not, it's nearly impossible to pass it up after you've been there, had a great time, and no regrets. Well anyways, I'll be going now. BYE!
current mood: shocked
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| Friday, May 25th, 2001
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11:21 am - i'm a singleton!!!!
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OH wow, i just realized how much i missed being single. It was really hard being in a relationship and wanting to go do things with my friends but not because i'm hanging out with my boyfriend, i mean, me and john did a lot of fun things, but i also missed out on a lot too. I'm still going to go see him on his birthday (wednesday) so that should be fun as long as he doesn't talk to me about us again. I realized also that I'm probably not ever going to go out with him again because that feeling won't come back (at least i'm pretty sure it's won't). I didn't miss him after we broke up like i thought i would. I miss him as a friend though, but not in THAT way, ya know? Well yeah... Half an hour of school left... then to lake chelan if possible. Oh i'll get soooooooooooooooooo tan there if I go!!!! actually more like burnt but that's good too cuz it'll turn into a tan. I need a bathing suit. ONE PEICE of course, hehe. I don't have the body... toooo skinny. oh well. I'd probably wear a bikini thing if i was on a private beach with just me and alia or something. well i gotta go! bye
current mood: good
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10:38 am - blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
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Stupid aces and it's stupid friday school!!!!! it's not like i get anything accomplished on fridays.. it's pointless for me to be here. I'm tan!!!!!!!!! well okay, i'm not tan, but I'm tanner than before.. A little sunburned but i'm still going out in the sun. The only thing I like about friday school is that we get out at noon. 4 minutes till lunch... FINALLY. i tried to bet dustin 5 bucks that at the end of the summer i'd be tanner than him but he wouldn't do it. I'll be tanner than him anyways.. he plays to many video games and d&d, while i'm out in the sun :):) I'm streaking my hair pretty soon --- blonde streaks. It'll be fantastic. well i have to run out and have a smoke at the beginning of lunch before evil bitch judy ruins it for us all!! BYE!!!!!!!!
:):):):):):):):):PAINTRESS:):):):):):):):):)
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10:23 am - stole this survey from alia maria badia
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1. Name: Sarah
2. Were you named after anyone? my great aunt or something like that
3. Do you wish on stars? i have before
4. When did you last cry? um... a while ago i don't really remember
5. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you? i don't know
6. Do you like your handwriting? it's alright i guess
7. What are the # 1 priorities in your life? having fun, doing good in school, my family and friends
8. What is your favorite lunch? subway.. mmmm....
9. Any bad habits? i bite my nails
10. What store would you never be caught dead in? airport video
11. If you were another person, would you be friends with YOU? me!
12. Are you a daredevil? um.. no
13. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? maybe
14. Have you ever told a secret you swore you wouldn't? a long time ago
15. Have you ever stolen anything? maybe
16. Do looks matter? i don't like it, but they do
17. Do you pray? no
18. Have you ever met anyone famous? no
19. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? hahahahahahahahahaha
20. Are you trendy? oh i'm way trendy
21. Are you passive or aggressive? both
22. Who is your idol? i don't have one
23. Who is your second family? uncle dave
25. What was your favorite toy as a child? i don't remember.. i liked puzzles a lot
26. Have you ever been on radio or television? no
27. Ever kissed your friends (girl-boy) friend? no way
28. Do you have a journal? no hehe
29. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? everyone has
30.Do you like sarcasm? do you?
31. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? yeah but i don't like em
32.Do you feel understood most of the time? i guess
33. Do you know what `xylom` is? like xylom and phloem, wastes and nourishment for plants i think
34. Do you have a nickname? paintress
35. Could you be a vegetarian? oh hell no
36. Would you ever bungee jump? probably not - i'm a wuss
37. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? nope
38. What are you worried about right now? nothing
39. Do you ever wear overalls? i don't have any
40. Do you think you are strong? i'm ripped
41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? strawberry
42. What class in school is a useless class? PE
43. Have you ever been in love? don't think so
44. Have you ever had your heart broken? kind of
45. OKay OKay! ---Do you say "supposably" or "supposedly"? supposedly
current mood:  ditzy
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paintress
confused